Sunday, 2 February 2014

The wait

We have been in a weird period of limbo for a very long time. We have been waiting for our lives to change for a very long time. I cannot remember the last time we could make plans about an upcoming break or a holiday without having to think about children. 

The funny thing (funny strange, not humourous at all) is that we don't have any children. Not legally or physically, at least. We have been in the process of trying to start our family for the last five and bit years, but we are still, for all intents and purposes a childless couple. And so it is ironic, very much so, that our life has been dominated by children to this extent. 

Since last October, five very long months ago, D and I have known who our children will be. In fact, we spent a week with them in late October. Not the most common path to parenthood, but it certainly feels like a wonderful one. 

We are waiting to adopt two kiddos from Ethiopia. It feels like, in some ways, we have been waiting all our lives. In reality though, it has been since October. Complications in-country, closed regional ministry offices, a heart-stopping announcement about the end of intercountry adoption in Ethiopia and some changes in procedure later, we might be getting close. 

What has got to me, what has made me really nervous in this whole process (personal anxiety issues aside) is the uncertainty of it all. The fact that, until I have the children in my arms and the plane doors are closed, until that very moment (oh, and how I dream of that moment!), until then we cannot be certain that it will all go through. 

It is not unlike a high-risk pregnancy, I guess. You cannot relax and enjoy it, as many people have suggested. I cannot think of other things, or enjoy my last few child-free months, because at the end of the day there are no guarantees. The process is fraught with uncertainty. (And it does not help, that I am, by nature, fraught with anxiety...)

But we are waiting. And we have good days and bad days. Anyone who has been through this process knows what a roller coaster it is. How attached you become to your phone. How one email can make your day. How a piece of news can ruin your Christmas. 

We are still in that wait. One day closer to bringing our kiddos to their new home. One day closer to becoming a family. We hope. We wait...

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