Thorny Issues

I was delighted to get my first comment today! Unfortunately, I felt I had to delete it, as it was a virulent attack, which included several ill-wishes towards me and my family. 

It did, however, give me a chance to talk about the thorny issue in adoption, and especially international adoption: that of corruption. 

It is an issue that occupied mine and my husband's minds as we considered adoption from Ethiopia. We put a lot of research into ethical adoption and we read, listened to and researched corruption and ethics in Ethiopia. 

One of the steps that we took included going through a not-for-profit organisation, like International Social Services (whose job is to safeguard the rights of children worldwide). As to the amount of money our adoption cost us I would like to mention that it was nowhere near rge number that the comment suggested. 

Here are a few of the resources we looked at while preparing to make a decision regarding adoption:

Ethica

Claudia Chapman on adoption ethics

Creating a Family radio show on corruption in international adoption

Another podcast on corruption, The Hague treaty etc

Ethical International Adoptions Blog

The Creating a Family podcast makes an interesting point, in that the fact that there is corruption does not mean that there might not also be need for orphans to find homes. The solution is not banning international adoption altogether, but finding ways to safeguard families, find and uproot corruption and commit to ethical practice. She mentions, though please don't take my word for it and listen to the podcast yourself, that often after international adoption shuts down, children still flood the orphanages (she talks of Guatemala, if I remember correctly, where corruption was very wide-spread) yet there is poor care and no hope of in-country adoption. 

The thorny issue is this: corruption in international adoption exists. It is our responsibilty to make sure, to investigate, to the best of our ability, our agency, our adoption provider, the orphanages, their social workers, the stories of our children.

I have not written about it because I genuinely feel that there are people way more qualified who can say it better than I ever could. But I wanted to say that we have been aware of it, acutely so, during our decision and during our adoption. 

On Silver Linings

We have had unusually cloudy weather for the last couple of weeks. Spring does bring its showers, but this year the clouds that have come have really been so impressive to behold. This, coupled with my fourth anniversary of my dad's death and the difficulties in our adoption process has really got me thinking about clouds and their silver linings. 

I am slowly realising that the often-used saying about every cloud having a silver lining, is in fact true. And it seems to me that often, the darker the clour the more shiny its lining too. Here are the "darkest clouds" of my last few years and their silver linings...

1. My dad's illness

Cancer is ugly. It can suck the life out of a person, it can reduce their physical body to something still alive, but fundamentally dead. That happened to my dad and in a way, looking for a silver lining here is not easy. It did, however, show me that the spirit is much more resilient than the body. My dad remained strong and full of life, in spirit, until the end. 

My dad's illness also brought us to Greece. Although that journey seemed (and was) hard at the time, here we are now. And being in Greece has facilitated, through its own difficulties, some of our biggest successes. 

2. My dad's death

My dad's death taught me to value life. Here's one of my posts about it, on my old blog, the day after my dad died. Life goes on. Life is short. Life should be full of the things that matter. Those lessons were my silver lining. 

3. My miscarriages

At the time they felt like the biggest, greyest cloud. It felt like we would never resurface. And yet we did, and now we are waiting to be parents for the first time, through adoption. Adoption is not the only silver lining for us. Those losses have made me hugely more empathic. They have made me think about the magnitude of the losses my future children will have felt by the time they come to us. I am a different person for having lost and gone on. For having learnt to adjust the sails. 

4. D's unemployment

One of the obstacles we had to face after moving to Greece, back in 2008 and in the midst of the crisis, was that D was not able to find a job. He had been a banker for 12 years and the crisis, coupled with a lack of Greek and a lack of connections, meant that he could not find a job. He kept looking, with undiminished energy, but I could see, in the way he was, in his demeanour and enthusiasm (or lack thereof) that each month of unemployment was taking something away from him. 

I guess unemployment can be partucularly difficult for men, especially if they have been working ever since their late teens and D was no exception. The cloud was large and unmoving, lingering over our lives and casting its shadow on many areas. 

The silver lining: D decided to follow his dreams and change careers. He took a year our where he retrained as a teacher, and in 2011 he started teaching at an international school in Athens. Again,  adjusting the sails was needed, but fortune favours the brave... and it worked out in the end. 

5. The difficulties in the adoption process

Anyone who has adopted, or has even considered adoption is aware of the difficulties of the process. They know about the endless paper-chase, the doctors and social workers, the lawyers and other professionals that are involved in creating a family through adoption. They know of the painful wait before the match, and what feels like the even more painful wait after the match too. They can imagine the difficulties when laws and regulations change, when unexpected obstacles appear in your way. 

But here's something I am convinced of, which I also heard on a podcast I was listening to the other day from Creating a Family (an amazing resource, if you are considering adoption). 

They mentioned, on the podcast, that people who have experienced infertility or other dfficulties in creating their family (and I guess adoption fits in well here), those people who have had to really struggle to become parents, tend to have a more positive experience when they do eventually become parents. I call it Conscious Parenthood and I hope to write about it soon. 

I look forward to this silver lining!

Finally... here is what I have learnt about clouds and silver linings:

It takes time for silver linings to appear. They are there, no doubt about it, but while you are under that dark cloud, everything looks unbearably grey - you cannot see the silver lining, sometimes because you simply cannot look up to find it, and sometimes because the darkness is overbearing. But the silver lining comes... eventually... even if it takes four years and a lot of tears. 

Four Years

Today, 6th March, marks four years without my dad. 

I still miss him, though life has taken over to a large extent. I think of him every day, and the memories only get sweeter and sweeter. 

I definitely was a daddy's girl...

On Becoming a Mum

I wrote a post a a couple of weeks ago about the 10 things I like about not having kids (yet) and it has  been on my mind a lot lately. It was the idea of having kids, coupled with the idea of becoming a mum that a friend of mine were discussing. 

She is 7 and a bit months pregnant and she was talking about how being a mother already has changed her life. The decisions she makes, her habits, the way she looks at her future. I can completely understand that. It did, however, bring this question to the forefront of my mind: When does a woman become a mother?

For some it's easy - I'm sure there are women out there who are certain they became mothers the minute their children were placed in their arms. I am referring to bio mums here, of course, the ones who gave birth to their babies. Some will claim they felt like mother the minute they saw the two blue lines on thep pregnancy test. Others will say when they first saw their baby in an ultrasound, or heard his heartbeat. 

In adoption, still, things are even more complicated. Is it when you accept a match? Is it when the court pronounces you a parent? Is it when you meet your child for the first time, when you feed her, hold her, change her nappies? Or does this kind of motherhood need more time to grow? 

I don't know the answer - in fact I have a sneaky feeling there is no one answer, no definitive right or wrong. I am sure that there will be people out there who will never consider me a "proper" mum because I did not give birth to my kids. I guess that is their right. On the other hand I have carried children, albeit not to term. Does that make me a mum to them? Was their a switch flicked when I saw my baby in the ultrasound, when I heard her heartbeat? 

I am becoming more and more of the opinion that motherhood is more like a seed, rather than like a switch. It is a seed that is planted when you begin to think about motherhood, biological or adoptive. It sprouts when you fall pregnant, or when you file your paperwork. Development might stop, but the seed is there, waiting to grow, when watered properly again. 

The seedling grows when you see your baby, it starts getting leaves when you hold it, the roots get bigger and stronger each time you hold him when he cries, each time she looks into your eyes. 

I definitely have a seedling in me. It is slowly growing, even without the kids being here. It's asking for more water and sun and I'm mot sure I can let it... because I am still not sure that all will go well with our adoption. 

We wait...

The 10 things I've done (or do) that make me happier

I have been reading a lot on the science behind happiness and well-being, as part of a project I am preparing. It has always fascinated me and I love seeing the evidence behind the hypothesis. When one reads such research, it is often difficult not to look at one's life a bit closer, make comparisons and even, if one can, make changes. 

I have compiled here, my personal list of things that I have done, or do on a daily basis that make me happier. I would like to revisit these in later posts, to look at each one in more depth, look ay research and find out the mechanisms, perhaps, in which these habits/actions add to our life-satisfaction. 

1. I got my dogs

Dogs are an infinite source of happiness in our household. Yes, they are also a source of stress, but the joy far outweighs the stress. I never thought we would have ended up with four, but life happened and here they are:

I love how they love me and I love how I love them. They are loyal and devoted, they are fluffy and cuddly. A lot of friends and acquaintances ask me how I can cope with the hair (I don't care, we just have to hoover more often), the expense (do people ask this question about kids too?), the walking (we walk them when we go running, almost daily) and many other such things. For us the dogs are part of the family. And at the end of the day, I would not change them for the world! 

2. I spend time outside

Linked to the above in some ways, at least, this is one habit of happy people that makes sense. Spending time outside, especially in nature, is known to make us feel better, calmer, happier. More on the research in a next post. Here is last evening's walk (despite my stinking cold):

And the sky as the sun went down...

Which links to...

3. I live on a mountain

After having lived here, on the mountain, for the last four years, I don't think I could live somewhere urban again. I love waking up to the sun rising over the sea and, just as much, watching the moon rise out of it in the evening. 

I love the view from my bathroom, 

and the view from my bed. 

Yes, the nearest shop might be five kilometres away, and the nearest metro stop 7, but I would not change this for the world! 

4. My short commute

It's not me who says it, it's science. People with shorter commutes tend to be happier. It takes us about 10 minutes and one traffic light to get to work in the morning - can't beat it! Plus, my drive to work is through vineyards and olive groves. 

Yes, occasionally we get delayed by sheep blocking the road. Better than a traffic jam! 

5. I got rid of my TV

I wish it were that D and I were so intellectual and cool that one day we decided we no longer needed out TV. I fear it was not exactly so. Instead what happened was that Greek TV went from analogue to digital. That would have required us to either get a sort of digi-box, or purchase a new TV. It seemed to us that it was not worth the fuss... so we stayed without a TV for a while. Almost two years later it transpires that it was the best decision we ever made! Less TV means more time for reading, talking, cooking and many other things. We still have our TV set, and we do watch the occasional DVD or series. But we watch less than an hour each day, often a lot less and that's the way we like it!

Linked to that is...

6. I'm on a news fast

I grappled a lot with this one. It kind of jars with my image of myself as a responsible citizen. But without a TV I have a lot less access to the news, especially the kind of news that used to make me anxious and sometimes scared to sleep in my bed at night. Some might argue that not knowing about the dangers out there does not mean they do not exist, but I truly believe I am a lot happier and much calmer without TV news. I still look at selected internet sites two or three times a week for a news roundup. And I still live in a world where, if something big happens, I will somehow find out! More on that later, for sure!

7. I wake up early

Yes, all about that extra hour again. I will not go on about it. If you want to read about me raving about it click here and here .

8. I became a teacher

I love children. I love being with them, chatting to them, I love seeing them find out, grow up, ask questions. I have loved being a teacher ever since I started, 10 years ago. There are things about the profession I do not like, but the children are not one of them! Teaching gives me a sense of purpose, meaning and inspires my sense of wonder. What more can one ask from a job?

9. I keep a gratitude journal

I started that in October last year. I use a simple app on my phone, which keeps all my moments of gratitude in a gratitude journal. I find at least one good thing to say about each day. I feel it has made me appreciate life more. Studies confirm that... More on that later.

10. I got married

Ok, so I don't actually mean that the wedding part of it has added to my happiness (although we had two of them, and they were both just great)!

But having a life partner, one like D, is probably my single most profound source of happiness. I thank my lucky stars regularly (see above). 

The Momentum of Each Day

(5 reasons why waking up early rocks!)

Ever since we started getting up early in search for the Extra Hour we have both found that our creativity has increased as has our sense of achievement. 

In fact the benefits far outweigh the hardship of setting the alarm at a time that starts with 5 (which I have not done since my rowing days) or the fact that we sometimes have to go to bed a little earlier. When we began the routine (back when the mornings were actually dark, which did make it a little harder) we made the decision that it made sense for us to get up early every day, including weekends. That extra hour or two of sleep at weekends, we thought, was not worth the added difficulty of getting up on a Monday. Plus, we decided to be kind to our bodies - it seems that it is easier to keep the same rhythm week-round: your body does not recognise weekends! (As an aside note, neither do dogs, it seems...)

However, this week we are on our half term holiday. Which means that for a whole week, we could get up at whatever time we want! D and I had a chat about what we would do with our sleep schedules and decided that we could sleep in at weekends (yesterday and today - a rare extra treat) and then go back to our normal schedule come Monday. It sounded fair. It was also good timing, as I have a stinking cold that is making my sleep very light and interrupted, so I jumped at the chance of a lie-in. (I use the term very loosely, as most people I know at least, would not consider getting up at 7:30 a lie in. Everything in life is relative.)

We did it yesterday and again today. And, I have to report, that I am not happy with the side-effects... 

For one, by the time I actually get up I feel a lot more sluggish than I normally do when I get up an hour or two earlier. On top of that, I find that without my extra hour's targetted routine, my day loses momentum. 

So here they are, the five reasons why getting up early might be good for you:

1. Momentum 

There is something magical about gaining momentum early in the day. Mark Twain has been credited as the father of this phrase: "If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first". 

While I do not subscribe or advocate frog eating... and, in fact, if I understand the phrase correctly, Mr Twain suggests that we start with our biggest and hardest task first thing, I believe that accomplishing something early in the day, really does make you feel on top of the world. 

2. Big things should come first

I often feel so much satisfied with my day, if I have started it with something meaningful to me. These things include:  writing, spending time with my husband, exercise, walking the dogs. All of those are the things that fill my life with joy, and doing them first thing in the morning, means that they do not get pushed out by the less meaningful things later on in the day. Simple. 

3. Sunrises

I love the beauty of the sun rising out of the water, or out of clouds. I am extremely lucky to have this view, but even when I didn't I found that there was something very spiritual about the sun rising, the sky getting lighter and the start of another day. It often fills me with gratitude that I am here to witness it all, for one more day. 

4. Tea

Ok, I know this is a little one. I have several cups of tea a day, but  the first cup of tea, which I have in bed with my husband, I really relish. I taste it and feel it and appreciate it more than any other food or drink experience in my day. And, as I am finding out more and more, it is the little things in life that add up to happiness! 

5. It All Adds Up

I never quite thought of it that way, when I made the decision to add this extra-hour in my life. I, in fact, thought that I would lose time at the other end of my day. It seems, however, that I still go to bed about the same time that I did before (most days before 10 o'clock, but occasionally later). Even if I didn't, I was never a night-owl, the last few hours before bed were dead time for me - I could never work, or do anything productive, not even house work. They were usually DVD or mindless internet time, not really adding value to my life. I have added about an hour of productive time to my day: that is 7 hours in a week and 30 hours in a month. I have gained a bit more than a day of productive, meaningful time. And that makes me very happy!

I am writing all this today, having got up around 8... I lost a little momentum today, I did not see the sunrise, but I did get to start my day with a gorgeous cup of tea. Thank you, D! 

The Delusion of Positive Thinking

When is positive thinking useful and can it ever be harmful? Is it productive, effective or is it simply an analgesic for the heart, often masking the symptoms of something lacking. 

First of all, a confession: I don't believe in positive thinking. I believe in realistic thinking, I believe in hoping for the best, but planning for the worst. And I am sick and tired of people who advocate blind positive thinking. The band-aid of "it will be alright." For me, this kind of positive thinking can advocate inactivity, and sometimes inactivity can be harmful, even fatal. 

I was actually "told off" today, for being concerned about the stage of our adoption process and for wanting to do something about it. I was told that my worrying, my "negative thoughts" are not helping the process. This might be true. But neither are other people's positive thoughts.... if we are honest. 

I have been looking for the research, because I am a scientificaly-minded kind of girl. I have looked high and low and I am pleased to say I have found all sorts of interesting evidence.

It seems that although positive thinking might make us feel better, there is some evidence that suggests it might also numb us, in a way that stops us from acting to realise our goals. 

First of all this study by University of California social psychologist Lein Pham is one often used by "positive thinking" advocates. It is an interesting study, because it does indeed show a link between positive thought, or as the authors call it mental stimulation, and performance. However, there is an important distinction. In the study, students were asked to spend a few minutes each day either visualising themselves getting a high grade in an upcoming exam or visualising having good study habits (the first being an outcome-based mental stimulation and the latter a process-based mental stimulation). The results were surprising (at least they should be to advocates of blind positive thinking)!

The students who spent a few moments each day visualising doing well in the exam... wait for it... actually did worse! We, of course can't tell exactly why, but my money is on the fact that these positive thoughts caused the students to feel overly confident about their chances of doing well, leading to the students doing less actual work!

And here's another interesting study from New York University where they looked at two forms of thinking: expectations versus fantasies. Positive expectations (judging a desired future as likely) predicted, on the whole, high effort and successful performance. The reverse was true of positive fantasies (experiencing one's thoughts and mental images about a desired future positively). Among those taking part in the study, we saw recent graduates looking for a job. The students who reported that they regularly fantasised about getting their dream job, received fewer job offers and ended up with significantly lower wages!!

My personal life philosophy is this and I know exactly where it stems from too. It has a lot to do with my father and his untimely death, as well as other experiences with the harsh reality of life.

I believe in positive expectations, acknowledging that I want things to go well. But I also know that I have a role to play in the process, I have to get off my behind and go out and get things. I have to have a plan (and sometimes a plan A and a plan B and even a plan C) because things don't always turn out the way we expect them to.

I strongly believe in striving for the best result. But positive thinking alone will not hack it! In fact, as the studies above has shown, positive thinking can even harm the process and the result, by numbing awareness of where we stand in reality. That's all for now.